Sucker-punch Drop-kick Motherfucker of a Week

Wednesday: the day on which I am dumped by my Boyfriend and my Grandmother.
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The thing, darlings, about reaching for those delicious garden of Eden tempting apples...is that sometimes they fall out of the tree and hit you on the fucking head.

You know what's coming, right (um, or not, at least not with me): the Boyfriend.

I have not told you all the Boyfriend stories, but we have been seeing each other on average of once a month or every six weeks for the past year - usually when we do we do one night the two of us and one night engaged in group play. We email every day - usually multiple times - we share secrets, we make jokes. He told me, I would say about two months ago: "I love my relationship with you, I hope it goes on forever."

And by forever, he meant until Wednesday of last week.

I don't mean to sound arrogant: but I am kind of an awesome girlfriend. I am hot, sexy, smart and dirty. I have fulfilled, and enjoyed, delighted and revelled in, every sexual request or fantasy this man has ever made of me. I have enthusiastically gone to swingers clubs with him, something his wife will not do regularly and does not enjoy as much as I do, or so I have been told. When we have gone out together I have enthusiastically and supportively watched him fuck strangers. I have introduced him to - and watched him fuck - my hot friends. I have no issues with him taking other lovers and I just told him the other day that our relationship did not require disclosure of same. I would argue that I have, in fact, been an enthusiastic provider of pussy. I am not one of those kept mistresses that expects presents or the man to foot the bill - we have been very equal in that regard. Recently I met his wife at his request and lied to her ruthlessly as I had to do in order to make the evening work and then I kinda made out with her. I have also provided him with a great deal of emotional support when he has been low - I have shored him up and told him he is wonderful when his wife tells him differently.

And this is not to say he has not done anything for me: I have been frank about quite adoring this man. He has delighted me. But that's not my point.

If you are my boyfriend I have one rule. The single solitary rule that you have to follow to be my Boyfriend is: "when I introduce you to my hot friends, don't ask them to fuck you one on one without discussing this with me". In order to maintain a relationship with me that is my bottom line.

I am awestruck that I am not worth even that.

Now, I know what you are thinking: but Kimberly, how is a man to know these things? I know, I know - I am notoriously subtle. It is a continual problem, people say to me every single day: you are such a wilting violet, how can anyone ever know what you are really thinking? Yep, that's me, known for my subtlety. And, to be fair, I acknowledge and agree that there are some lines you don't know you are crossing* - sometimes we make mistakes.

However, this is not the first time we have had to have this little talk, the Boyfriend and I.

Rewind about a year and the Boyfriend sent an email to a hot girlfriend of mine. That time he mentioned to me that he had "emailed a girl he met at a club" as a form of insulation, just in case she told me**, that way he could claim I knew. (Do you think that worked?).

This was early on in our relationship when the Boyfriend was still, as the friend in question put it, writing me a sonnet. I went fucking ballistic. Some of may have seen the rage blogging I posted and quickly pulled down at that time - I think I may re-post shortly.

We talked it out and I was 100% clear: that hurt me, DO NOT DO THAT AGAIN and DON'T LIE TO ME. I did not even say: don't approach my friends (although that is what I had hoped) - I said: talk to me first.

And so, this man that I adore, this man that I would do literally anything for, today emailed another hot friend that I gleefully introduced him to and watched him fuck and asked her if she wanted to meet him one on one. And he asked her not to tell me if she wasn't interested in pursuing it further.***

As my husband put it: what an idiot.

To be fair, he is not wrong that he had to go behind my back. If he had asked me I would have told him no, please don't fuck my friend one on one, I am not comfortable with it. Lest you think I am unreasonably controlling, he told me yesterday he fucked someone else one on one last Friday - I did not skip a beat. No problem. There are a closed class of women that I ask you to not ask to fuck if you are going to be my boyfriend: these are my hot friends that I introduce you to. (And sorry, you can fuck them, just do it when I am around.)

I told him when the first incident happened that I needed someone who was my lover to be primary to me among my close friends. That's it, that's all - we are talking about maybe 10 people in the entire world. Fuck anyone else you like one on one.

You know what does not feel very good? Knowing that you are not worth even that to someone. My value to this man that I adore is not even worth not hitting on 10 women in the entire world because he knows it will hurt me.

Wow.

And then, within 24 hours, yes, darlings, within 24 hours of the Boyfriend deciding a year of romance, friendship and fucking was not worth holding off on asking one of my friends to fuck him my one remaining grandparent decided that the best way to say 'happy holidays' and 'I love you' was with a demand letter addressed to my parent - as in one from a lawyer on stationary. This is, quite obviously, toxic and terminal.

The painful irony, of course, is that after I called my husband and sobbed into the phone the second person I instinctively reached out to was the Boyfriend. Without thinking I opened a new email with tears streaming down my face and started to type...then I realized and deleted.

A beautiful moment on top of a beautiful moment. What a week.

So there you are, darlings, I am currently valued by those I hold dear at somewhere less than random ass and $15,000. I am not sure what the lesson here is, but I am not sure it is about the beauty of relationships and how you can rely on people you should be able to trust.

I am, once again, been rewarded for my openness to people and embracing of relationships with a slap and a kick. You would think I would learn.

No really, November, fuck you.

(*Note: men out there, if you are asking to fuck your girlfriend's friends without discussing it with her, you are always crossing a line, always. this is a "for the sake of argument moment")
(**Which she did, immediately. Note: men out there, women talk.)
(***How naive this man is about women is also astounding: This is one of my best friends, I have known her for 20 years, she danced at my wedding! Dude, she's not keeping your secrets.)

Morning Sex on the Beach?

Recently Hubby and I were engaged in an argument about polyamory and the fact that I am generally a non-monogamous slut who finds it easy to make new naked friends.

We had reached our traditional round 4 of this particular discussion: the topic of the Boyfriend when the Husband, who was not articulating his problem very well, shouted at me: "he gets morning sex".

A woman who was being an intellectual poly goddess and practicing ethical sluthood and thoughtful wifehood probably would have answered him patiently and addressed the root of the issue in a constructive manner. However, as the conversation progressed in an irritating way your local errant wife bellowed something roughly like: "Oh, so he can fuck all my holes at any other time of day but the morning is off limits??! Do you hear how retarded that sounds??!? Own your shit! Get a brain!" (These are not the "I feel" statements the therapist taught me.)

Morning sex, you see, is a bone (heh) of contention in our relationship. The official excuse is that I am not a morning person - in the morning all I want to do is sleep as long as possible and then, when forced to be awake, to get my tea and soy milk and wake my brain up. On any given morning over the past decade we have had one or more children and/or a dog in our bed. But the real truth is that for years our relationship was so bad that I dreaded the constant demands for sex - and the morning was always when he would be pushy. I was petrified of waking up in bed with him on weekend mornings because I know he would pressure me endlessly to fuck him and to escape would mean a fight. Those were not good years and I am glad they are behind us - but morning sex is still a bit of a barrier in the marital bed.

So, when he asked and I (stupidly) answered that, yes, the Boyfriend and I sometimes, once in a while, occasionally (always when we are together in the morning) have morning sex he was le pissed.

And I was pissed that he was pissed.

It's not that I don't get it - I can offer you a million reasons why this is not a reasonable thing to hang your monogamously inclined hat on (every relationship is different, we always wake up in hotels, we don't see each other that often) but, all that aside, I get it - he gets something you don't. It's like that ad with the kids and the pony - I'm the pony and it isn't fair that only new members get to ride it. That being said, the fact that I get it doesn't mean that I am willing to engage in a conversation where Hubby states that, although I fuck other guys with his permission, the time of day is a crucial consideration and that he has a right to dictate the specific hours on my weekend with the Boyfriend that are permissible for penetration. I mean, as lines go, it is a totally ridiculous one to draw. You can have oral, anal and vaginal sex, you can swing together, you can lick his ass and anywhere else on him you like but you cannot do any of those activities between the hours of 9 and 10:30 a.m.

I mean, seriously Hubby, we could have that completely idiotic conversation or we could talk about the real issue.

We eventually talked our way back to civil and then I was full of thoughtful relationship considerations and warm understanding poly smiles: relationships have different ebbs and flows, I told him, different patterns - you do different things with every partner, it isn't about you, you are comparing apples and oranges.

Enter the Girlfriend.

As I have mentioned, when it comes to the Girlfriend I am indulgent to a fault. Sure, pause the movie we are watching to talk to her. Sure, get out of our bed to drive her home. Sure, break every rule that you ever made for me. I am a paragon of wifely tolerance. To be clear, it is not that I am the world's most perfect slut - it's to my own advantage: every step he takes with her demonstrates to him that outside partners are not scary. On that basis I have yet to say no and I have yet to push back on anything.

But then, then one night we were cooking dinner and he was looking for advice on where to take her on a date. We are chopping and lightly chatting and he mentions casually that he was thinking of getting a bottle of wine and heading to the beach.

Um, pardon me? SHE gets THE BEACH?

What. The. Fuck.

Hubby loathes the beach - his position is (I kid you not) that it is "too sandy" and "too sunny". I have been begging the man to take me to the beach for the better part of a decade. He always says "why would we go to the beach when we could go to the cottage with my parents?" Wow, stumper.

A summer evening on the beach with wine is my idea of the perfect date. A date he has never taken me on.

If you had been in the room I suspect you would have seen the light bulb go on above my head. Oh, he gets morning sex. Now I get it.

Maybe I should be a little less smug, apparently the Girlfriend is not just teaching the Husband lessons about polyamory.