The Newbies: Drama!

Ok, so as I told you I was reluctant to meet the newbies for some play, my gut was telling me not to do it - but I thought that we should try it on, maybe we would be really compatible.

Truthfully, I almost felt like I had taken it a little too far to be able to step back without hurting feelings. Lesson learned. As the Roomate of Easy Virtue said: you have no obligation to fuck these people.

We met, we played. I would love to say we came, we saw, we conquered - but, well...you know. There was, as I feared, little chemistry - I mean it was ok, but as I said to hubby on the way home: I'm not sure it was worth shaving for.

And if only that were the end of it...

Last night I got an awkward drama filled call from Mr Newbie. He began by telling me that his wife was really upset because she thought my Husband didn't like her.

Um, ok - then why the fuck are you and I having this conversation?

I played along: I did not get that impression, why does she feel that way? Mr. Newbie advised me that the Hubby did not fuck her enough. At this point I am thinking: were we in the same room for those hours? Every time I turned my head they were all fucking over each other: over, under, side by side, behind, in front - you name it.

Well, said Mr. Newbie - it isn't normal the way he touched her.

Normal. huh. Well, from where I was sitting (lying, standing) I saw no goats, no clown shoes - what's the issue? He wanted to spend too much time touching her with his mouth and his hands and did not put his penis inside her that much.

Really? Like, really??

I took a breath for patience. Ok, I said, well, the husband likes to play other ways and not just fuck - he likes to do oral and he likes to use his hands and whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

His response: the correct way to pleasure a woman is with your penis, by putting it the vagina.

No, sadly this is not a joke. At this point I am suffering the consequences of my vast sluttery -the kids are in bed, I am curled up on the couch and I am finding myself explaining what I would consider "normal" sexual behaviour to this guy who, although he is not being angry is not being pleasant.

I am providing him with the level of insight offered by women's magazines the world over - no, really, oral sex is normal, no really - most women actually do not orgasm through penetrative intercourse - and I am thinking, jesus fucking christ - why me? Why fucking me? What on earth could I have done to deserve this conversation? (I am guessing that it could be a law of averages thing, like - speaking statistically - fuck enough guys and you are sure to hit a crazy once in a while. Although, I believe the history of this blog is clear that I have taken my fair share of loonie cock.)

I tried desperately to be gracious and here is why - I am pretty sure that until they met us they had only fucked each other, so perhaps 'normal' is relative. Also, I think we may be having some kind of cross-cultural phallocentrism issue - I could totally write a university paper about it, but I don't particularly want to be on the phone on my couch at 10pm unpacking cultural baggage with this dude.

I said my piece and got off the phone with him and onto bbm with the Duchess...we have decided that we are going to put together a "page a day" calendar for those new to sluthood. The first two entries: "just cause he goes down on you doesn't mean he doesn't like you" and "dude, it's not all about your cock."

And that, dirty darlings, is the end of the Newbies.