A Nice Girl Like Me

I know you are going to think of this as *quite* the overshare, but a killer yeast infection brought me to the walk in clinic on a Sunday in search of one of those fabulous one dose pills. (Which, FYI, have become over the counter since I last took one, making the whole damn visit moot.)

I informed the nurse at my intake that I had a yeast infection and she said, and not in a way that I would term as either patient or polite: "well are you monogamous or is it a chance that it is an STD?"

Ok, so this isn't a great starting point: are you monogamous or diseased? 'Cause clearly you must be one or the other: non-monogamy = germy. Not to mention that this is not overly medically accurate: I could be as monogamous as the day is long and still be given something by a partner, but whatever.

Despite the fact that I rejected the premise of her question I answered honestly: "No I am not monogamous, so yes, I suppose there is a chance it is an STD." I mean I am a careful girl, but I do not live in denial - I have fucked three guys in the past month all of whom, hubby included, have fucked other women.

I waited and waited (and waited) and then I got to see the doctor: older, semi-retired, semi-competent. He had not read my chart, so I gave my history again in response to his questions: kids, husband, etc. I re-explained about the yeast infection and the fact that the nurse had suggested it could possibly be an STD and he said, I kid you not: "A nice girl like you doesn't need to worry about things like that."

Oh, well, alright then.

This is medically revolutionary stuff here folks: women that are nice, they do not get the itchy stuff. Only dirty bitches get those. Apparently if I stop bitching about my in-laws and the people that block my driveway to go to church - well, that is like an immunity against catching something from a random dude. Win.

"Aren't you monogamous?"

"Um, do you mean emotionally?"

He didn't and not-nice-me went up into the stirrups for round 2 of Judge Fest 2011, this time with the female assistant who was asked to join the everyone-look-at-my-crotch party. (For the record, this was less fun than the usual everyone look at my crotch parties I have.)

Let me tell you, when you are getting a chlamydia swab and you are making that awkward hands in my cooch conversation, if you do not want to get a cooollldd look from people you shouldn't talk about your husband and kids. Ms. Assistant was not impressed with Ms. Kimberly - and she made that abundantly clear with her eyes, because you get to give whores dirty looks, folks, it is not at all unprofessional. In case you were wondering, she did not know my history, she had not seen my chart - she just assumed I was nasty and, to tell you the truth, this attitude is not unique to medical professionals. Lots of us have an attitude about this kind of thing

Partially it is a hold over from a more sexually repressive time but also, for those of us who categorize ourselves as post-Victorian, if we conceptualize the whole thing as being about "others" - dirty others, slutty others, etc. - well, then we don't have to feel bad about the 250 unprotected blow jobs we gave last year, the 276 times we went down on some chick without a dental dam and oh, and yeah, all those times we played a game of just the tip or pull out before you cum and tell ourselves we are practicing safe sex. (Yes, fuckers, I am talking about you - you know who you are.)

I mean really, how absurd is the premise that it is only the not nice girls, the bad slutty girls, that get the STDs? Germs are germs and I don't think they can tell how much cock I take. I am no doctor, but I am pretty sure that it isn't only the 10th or 20th dude that gives you something, I think it can happen with only one.

The moral constructs around STDs are interesting - after all, there are all sorts of heavily preventable things you can catch from other people. There is no moral sanctioning when you hit up the clinic with a cold or flu and yet we all know that washing your hands can help prevent those, just like condoms can help prevent STDs. But, when you have the sniffles or the runs it isn't your fault, no one judges you as not nice or dirty. No one implies that you should have washed your hands more or shaken fewer hands, you dirty-handed-hand-shaking-slut and that, by the way dirty girl, only not nice people get colds from not washing their hands.

Yes, I have a fundamental understanding of the fact that it is different - after HR had that little talk with me I have stopped shaking people by the genitals when I meet them. Shaking someones hand is not like letting them put their dick in you; however, when you get something um..down there, it is somewhat analogous to catching something up a little higher. Yes, maybe you should have been more careful and maybe you weren't careful at all, but are you bad? Dirty? Not nice?

For the record, the doctor visually confirmed that it is yeast, and the test results did the same. The truth is I wasn't overly worried, but why not take the medical advice and get the tests? I mean, the pants were off - swab it up, baby. I am not ashamed of having my blood taken for my iron levels and I am not ashamed of making sure I don't have something that I could pass onto other people.

Also, the fact that I told the delightful clinic staff that I could have an STD was not a judgement on any of the people that I have slept with - I don't think any of them are bad, dirty or not nice. The bottom line is that this shit happens, but I think when we categorize the people that it happens to as not nice or as dirty it is our way of saying shit happens...but it doesn't happen to me.

I have the confidence to not be phased by their really inappropriate and off-putting judging - but I am troubled by their attitude and the effect it could have on other people and their willingness to be honest about their activities and tested accordingly. The fact is - the behaviour of these "professionals" would inspire someone less confident in their sexuality to lie - but shouldn't we be encouraging people to get their junk swabbed if there is a risk? A less confidant person might have refused the test because they were embarrassed or in denial or they might have lied in response to the question and then passed something on. I am open with my family doctor, my gynecologist and yes, the folks at the walk in clinic about the fact that I am non-monogamous, because you know what? It helps them do their job, which, FYI, is to make sure my crotch is in fighting form and not to judge me.