Group Post: Trust Me...

Trust is a funny thing - undefinable in a way. It is a gut feeling and nothing more. There is no reason or logic to it. As much as we try to make it a solid idea, something we can choose to do - trust is an instinct, you can't decide to trust someone. You can't create it, you can't force it - it is either there or it isn't.

There is just something, something, about the work best friend - I doubt her. More specifically, I don't trust her in regards to me. This is going to sound profoundly stupid and I am going to apologize in advance but, the other day I noticed on facebook that I could not see one of her albums and I immediately doubted our whole relationship: this was a line in the sand, she had never really been my friend, she had been good friends with everyone at work and hid it from me so she didn't have to invite me places.

And it is crazy that I read all that into one little moment, which she claims was an accident, by the way. With other friends who are equivalently close I would have asked them or teased them - but with her I felt like it said something about us, about how she considers me.

Part of this distrust might be that I suspect she has been hiding a secret office affair from me and I do think she has told me selective things about other office friendships - to be fair it probably isn't polite to tell someone about all the events she is not invited to attend. But, I think there that I am simply seeing some of these things because on some level I can't trust her. Something is telling me this and I don't know what it is and I don't know why. And I hate it.

On the other hand, a much beloved friend of mine does not trust his girlfriend of a number of months. He loves her, he spends the majority of his time with her, but trusting her is something he can't bring himself to do - although he desperately wants to feel that trust. He thinks it might be him, that he doesn't trust in relationships when his heart is engaged. He also is trying to find a reason, an explanation, for this lack of trust.

I think we both want to logic away these feelings - we want to be able to talk ourselves into trust because we love our relationships - but we can't. Trust is something that can't be decided and I also don't believe it can be earned. As much as we would like to think we can prove ourselves to people, that there is a chance for the creation of trust or for redemption after a fall from trust, I think trust is an instinct, a sense, a hormone, a sound only your heart can hear.

My initial response to this realization that I did not trust the work best friend was that I was jealous of her - of her friendships, her wonderful personality, her keen fashion sense - and that I was paranoid about my place at work - and to be quite honest, all of that is true. But none of that is about her, that is about me - and I don't think whether or not we trust someone is about us, I really do think it is about them.

I desperately tried to find an explanation that would justify such a negative feeling about this relationship that I adore. And yet there is no explanation - no logical reason - just a tiny little feeling that expresses itself from time to time in an unexpected way.

And I have decided, with a bit of a broken heart about it, that I have to listen to that instinct to a certain degree. I do not disavow the friendship, but maybe I need to keep an eye on what I share and when I share it, maybe I need to manage myself more within the friendship. I am not sure the path forward from here, but all I know is that if I am going to trust anyone I have to trust me...

This is one of our group posts...click through and check out the others:
Veronica: http://anothersuburbanmom.blogspot.com
Aurore: http://dangerousliaisons-aurore.blogspot.com
they belong to us: http://theybelongtous.wordpress.com
bdenied: www.cuckold-husband-bdenied.blogspot.com
The Panserbjørne: http://insatiabear.blogspot.com
Ron: www.ronjazz.blogspot.com
Kink Chronicles: www.thekinkchronicles.blogspot.com
Topaz: http://topaz-gemology.blogspot.com
Grey: Http://mygrayline.blogspot.com
Advizor 54: www.advizortoall.blogspot.com