Breaking Up is Hard to Do

No, I'm actually fine. Not gonna lie, from my perspective it is definitely a  buyer's market out there. I am thinking about holding open auditions for the role of paramour - kind of a casting couch for dirty sluts if you will - and, frankly, I am hoping some of you will.

So, yes, I'm fine - but the hubby, well - the hubby is a motherfucking wreck. He misses the Boyfriend you see.  More accurately, he misses knowing my slutty polyamorous predatory sexual energy is channelled. Channeled to someone who is married with a family and does not live near us. The relationship with the Boyfriend was safe for hubby, comfortable - he knew who I was with and where I was, he knew him and could assess exactly the level of risk.  And he knew my attention was held - that the one outside relationship was enough to keep me otherwise well behaved.  Now I am the loose cannon of whoredom and it is a bit much for him to handle.  

He wonders, and not unjustly: what the hell will she do now?  I said to him recently, touching his hand lightly and eyes filled with sensitivity: don't worry honey, there will be other guys.     He was, as they say, not amused.

Part of his concern is that yes, there are already other guys.  I am not fucking any of them (as hubby says, yet), but they are circling in my consciousness and attracting my attention.  Shortly after the Boyfriend and the grandmother decided I was not a good use of time I began an intriguing facebook correspondence with an old acquaintance - one that is very much tickling my fancy and very much irritating the fuck out of my husband.

This acquaintance has offered me no less than "Magnificent Robot Sex" - capitalized, no half measured lowercase robot sex is on the table here.  I have never had robot sex, magnificent or otherwise, and - as I explained to hubby - I feel like I would be doing an injustice to robot sex itself by not exploring this opportunity further. And by that I mean that I want to fuck his brains out.  Hard.

This offer has me so intrigued that I mentioned it to another gentlemen friend who has put his name forward as a candidate for a liaison and been working it more subtly for a month or two and who has not, as of yet, offered me magnificent robot sex. As he put it: for the love of god woman, it's not kismet!!!

When I shared this comment with hubby he rolled his eyes: he's right you know - just 'cause some guy hits on you right after the Boyfriend breaks up with you doesn't mean you have to fuck him.  But you will.

Well pardon me for seizing life by the (ahem) balls, Queen Victoria - you don't seem to mind the slutty wife so much when hot women I meet with you suck your cock.

So, yes, I am honest with hubby about the ongoing seduction(s) and he is not happy, despite the year of fun that openness has brought us. He is, in fact, le freaking. We are back to where we were a year ago - all the progress we have made towards openness, all the rope I have given him with the girlfriend - all of it seemingly had no effect.  I am his wife and my panties need to be firmly in place.   

In the past few days I have been on the receiving end of a great deal of shit: earlier this week hubby put it out there that I was so slutty that something was probably wrong with me and I just might be too easy. I told him I was happy to discuss the real issues but I was not going to accept attacks on my character when I was offering him honesty.  

We have wound our way back to a constructive conversation but he is still reeling from the loss of the Boyfriend and everything we say is filtered through that lens.  As he said to me during one of our recent discussions: the Boyfriend is such an idiot, this was all working out so well!

And he is not wrong, in lying to me the Boyfriend terminated several relationships: mine and his, his and hubbys, hubbys and Mrs. Boyfriend, mine with Mrs. Boyfriend and his relationship with the hot friend he propositioned (anyone who thinks she is the kind of woman that would lie to me is done in her books).  

And so, doors that were opened are closed, progress that has been made was lost and feelings are hurt all around - frankly, I am at a bit of a loss at how to proceed from here. I think I need to convince hubby to let me take baby steps while he (hopefully) regains his comfort zone. 

 What I do know is that the last year has been overwhelmingly the happiest of my life - and part of that has been the polyamory - not just being allowed to have an outside relationship, but being allowed to be myself and live what I feel.  I can't imagine going back - and I don't think hubby can imagine going forward.  And so we wait, in our respective corners on this issue, eyeing each other cautiously.

Really I think the hubby needs a new man in our lives - as I said to him the other day: you had better get back on that horse - you are never over one until you are under another. In my opinion I would be being remiss in my wifely duties if I didn't find hubby a new man to help him get over this break-up...

Sucker-punch Drop-kick Motherfucker of a Week

Wednesday: the day on which I am dumped by my Boyfriend and my Grandmother.
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The thing, darlings, about reaching for those delicious garden of Eden tempting apples...is that sometimes they fall out of the tree and hit you on the fucking head.

You know what's coming, right (um, or not, at least not with me): the Boyfriend.

I have not told you all the Boyfriend stories, but we have been seeing each other on average of once a month or every six weeks for the past year - usually when we do we do one night the two of us and one night engaged in group play. We email every day - usually multiple times - we share secrets, we make jokes. He told me, I would say about two months ago: "I love my relationship with you, I hope it goes on forever."

And by forever, he meant until Wednesday of last week.

I don't mean to sound arrogant: but I am kind of an awesome girlfriend. I am hot, sexy, smart and dirty. I have fulfilled, and enjoyed, delighted and revelled in, every sexual request or fantasy this man has ever made of me. I have enthusiastically gone to swingers clubs with him, something his wife will not do regularly and does not enjoy as much as I do, or so I have been told. When we have gone out together I have enthusiastically and supportively watched him fuck strangers. I have introduced him to - and watched him fuck - my hot friends. I have no issues with him taking other lovers and I just told him the other day that our relationship did not require disclosure of same. I would argue that I have, in fact, been an enthusiastic provider of pussy. I am not one of those kept mistresses that expects presents or the man to foot the bill - we have been very equal in that regard. Recently I met his wife at his request and lied to her ruthlessly as I had to do in order to make the evening work and then I kinda made out with her. I have also provided him with a great deal of emotional support when he has been low - I have shored him up and told him he is wonderful when his wife tells him differently.

And this is not to say he has not done anything for me: I have been frank about quite adoring this man. He has delighted me. But that's not my point.

If you are my boyfriend I have one rule. The single solitary rule that you have to follow to be my Boyfriend is: "when I introduce you to my hot friends, don't ask them to fuck you one on one without discussing this with me". In order to maintain a relationship with me that is my bottom line.

I am awestruck that I am not worth even that.

Now, I know what you are thinking: but Kimberly, how is a man to know these things? I know, I know - I am notoriously subtle. It is a continual problem, people say to me every single day: you are such a wilting violet, how can anyone ever know what you are really thinking? Yep, that's me, known for my subtlety. And, to be fair, I acknowledge and agree that there are some lines you don't know you are crossing* - sometimes we make mistakes.

However, this is not the first time we have had to have this little talk, the Boyfriend and I.

Rewind about a year and the Boyfriend sent an email to a hot girlfriend of mine. That time he mentioned to me that he had "emailed a girl he met at a club" as a form of insulation, just in case she told me**, that way he could claim I knew. (Do you think that worked?).

This was early on in our relationship when the Boyfriend was still, as the friend in question put it, writing me a sonnet. I went fucking ballistic. Some of may have seen the rage blogging I posted and quickly pulled down at that time - I think I may re-post shortly.

We talked it out and I was 100% clear: that hurt me, DO NOT DO THAT AGAIN and DON'T LIE TO ME. I did not even say: don't approach my friends (although that is what I had hoped) - I said: talk to me first.

And so, this man that I adore, this man that I would do literally anything for, today emailed another hot friend that I gleefully introduced him to and watched him fuck and asked her if she wanted to meet him one on one. And he asked her not to tell me if she wasn't interested in pursuing it further.***

As my husband put it: what an idiot.

To be fair, he is not wrong that he had to go behind my back. If he had asked me I would have told him no, please don't fuck my friend one on one, I am not comfortable with it. Lest you think I am unreasonably controlling, he told me yesterday he fucked someone else one on one last Friday - I did not skip a beat. No problem. There are a closed class of women that I ask you to not ask to fuck if you are going to be my boyfriend: these are my hot friends that I introduce you to. (And sorry, you can fuck them, just do it when I am around.)

I told him when the first incident happened that I needed someone who was my lover to be primary to me among my close friends. That's it, that's all - we are talking about maybe 10 people in the entire world. Fuck anyone else you like one on one.

You know what does not feel very good? Knowing that you are not worth even that to someone. My value to this man that I adore is not even worth not hitting on 10 women in the entire world because he knows it will hurt me.

Wow.

And then, within 24 hours, yes, darlings, within 24 hours of the Boyfriend deciding a year of romance, friendship and fucking was not worth holding off on asking one of my friends to fuck him my one remaining grandparent decided that the best way to say 'happy holidays' and 'I love you' was with a demand letter addressed to my parent - as in one from a lawyer on stationary. This is, quite obviously, toxic and terminal.

The painful irony, of course, is that after I called my husband and sobbed into the phone the second person I instinctively reached out to was the Boyfriend. Without thinking I opened a new email with tears streaming down my face and started to type...then I realized and deleted.

A beautiful moment on top of a beautiful moment. What a week.

So there you are, darlings, I am currently valued by those I hold dear at somewhere less than random ass and $15,000. I am not sure what the lesson here is, but I am not sure it is about the beauty of relationships and how you can rely on people you should be able to trust.

I am, once again, been rewarded for my openness to people and embracing of relationships with a slap and a kick. You would think I would learn.

No really, November, fuck you.

(*Note: men out there, if you are asking to fuck your girlfriend's friends without discussing it with her, you are always crossing a line, always. this is a "for the sake of argument moment")
(**Which she did, immediately. Note: men out there, women talk.)
(***How naive this man is about women is also astounding: This is one of my best friends, I have known her for 20 years, she danced at my wedding! Dude, she's not keeping your secrets.)

Morning Sex on the Beach?

Recently Hubby and I were engaged in an argument about polyamory and the fact that I am generally a non-monogamous slut who finds it easy to make new naked friends.

We had reached our traditional round 4 of this particular discussion: the topic of the Boyfriend when the Husband, who was not articulating his problem very well, shouted at me: "he gets morning sex".

A woman who was being an intellectual poly goddess and practicing ethical sluthood and thoughtful wifehood probably would have answered him patiently and addressed the root of the issue in a constructive manner. However, as the conversation progressed in an irritating way your local errant wife bellowed something roughly like: "Oh, so he can fuck all my holes at any other time of day but the morning is off limits??! Do you hear how retarded that sounds??!? Own your shit! Get a brain!" (These are not the "I feel" statements the therapist taught me.)

Morning sex, you see, is a bone (heh) of contention in our relationship. The official excuse is that I am not a morning person - in the morning all I want to do is sleep as long as possible and then, when forced to be awake, to get my tea and soy milk and wake my brain up. On any given morning over the past decade we have had one or more children and/or a dog in our bed. But the real truth is that for years our relationship was so bad that I dreaded the constant demands for sex - and the morning was always when he would be pushy. I was petrified of waking up in bed with him on weekend mornings because I know he would pressure me endlessly to fuck him and to escape would mean a fight. Those were not good years and I am glad they are behind us - but morning sex is still a bit of a barrier in the marital bed.

So, when he asked and I (stupidly) answered that, yes, the Boyfriend and I sometimes, once in a while, occasionally (always when we are together in the morning) have morning sex he was le pissed.

And I was pissed that he was pissed.

It's not that I don't get it - I can offer you a million reasons why this is not a reasonable thing to hang your monogamously inclined hat on (every relationship is different, we always wake up in hotels, we don't see each other that often) but, all that aside, I get it - he gets something you don't. It's like that ad with the kids and the pony - I'm the pony and it isn't fair that only new members get to ride it. That being said, the fact that I get it doesn't mean that I am willing to engage in a conversation where Hubby states that, although I fuck other guys with his permission, the time of day is a crucial consideration and that he has a right to dictate the specific hours on my weekend with the Boyfriend that are permissible for penetration. I mean, as lines go, it is a totally ridiculous one to draw. You can have oral, anal and vaginal sex, you can swing together, you can lick his ass and anywhere else on him you like but you cannot do any of those activities between the hours of 9 and 10:30 a.m.

I mean, seriously Hubby, we could have that completely idiotic conversation or we could talk about the real issue.

We eventually talked our way back to civil and then I was full of thoughtful relationship considerations and warm understanding poly smiles: relationships have different ebbs and flows, I told him, different patterns - you do different things with every partner, it isn't about you, you are comparing apples and oranges.

Enter the Girlfriend.

As I have mentioned, when it comes to the Girlfriend I am indulgent to a fault. Sure, pause the movie we are watching to talk to her. Sure, get out of our bed to drive her home. Sure, break every rule that you ever made for me. I am a paragon of wifely tolerance. To be clear, it is not that I am the world's most perfect slut - it's to my own advantage: every step he takes with her demonstrates to him that outside partners are not scary. On that basis I have yet to say no and I have yet to push back on anything.

But then, then one night we were cooking dinner and he was looking for advice on where to take her on a date. We are chopping and lightly chatting and he mentions casually that he was thinking of getting a bottle of wine and heading to the beach.

Um, pardon me? SHE gets THE BEACH?

What. The. Fuck.

Hubby loathes the beach - his position is (I kid you not) that it is "too sandy" and "too sunny". I have been begging the man to take me to the beach for the better part of a decade. He always says "why would we go to the beach when we could go to the cottage with my parents?" Wow, stumper.

A summer evening on the beach with wine is my idea of the perfect date. A date he has never taken me on.

If you had been in the room I suspect you would have seen the light bulb go on above my head. Oh, he gets morning sex. Now I get it.

Maybe I should be a little less smug, apparently the Girlfriend is not just teaching the Husband lessons about polyamory.

The Newbies: Drama!

Ok, so as I told you I was reluctant to meet the newbies for some play, my gut was telling me not to do it - but I thought that we should try it on, maybe we would be really compatible.

Truthfully, I almost felt like I had taken it a little too far to be able to step back without hurting feelings. Lesson learned. As the Roomate of Easy Virtue said: you have no obligation to fuck these people.

We met, we played. I would love to say we came, we saw, we conquered - but, well...you know. There was, as I feared, little chemistry - I mean it was ok, but as I said to hubby on the way home: I'm not sure it was worth shaving for.

And if only that were the end of it...

Last night I got an awkward drama filled call from Mr Newbie. He began by telling me that his wife was really upset because she thought my Husband didn't like her.

Um, ok - then why the fuck are you and I having this conversation?

I played along: I did not get that impression, why does she feel that way? Mr. Newbie advised me that the Hubby did not fuck her enough. At this point I am thinking: were we in the same room for those hours? Every time I turned my head they were all fucking over each other: over, under, side by side, behind, in front - you name it.

Well, said Mr. Newbie - it isn't normal the way he touched her.

Normal. huh. Well, from where I was sitting (lying, standing) I saw no goats, no clown shoes - what's the issue? He wanted to spend too much time touching her with his mouth and his hands and did not put his penis inside her that much.

Really? Like, really??

I took a breath for patience. Ok, I said, well, the husband likes to play other ways and not just fuck - he likes to do oral and he likes to use his hands and whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

His response: the correct way to pleasure a woman is with your penis, by putting it the vagina.

No, sadly this is not a joke. At this point I am suffering the consequences of my vast sluttery -the kids are in bed, I am curled up on the couch and I am finding myself explaining what I would consider "normal" sexual behaviour to this guy who, although he is not being angry is not being pleasant.

I am providing him with the level of insight offered by women's magazines the world over - no, really, oral sex is normal, no really - most women actually do not orgasm through penetrative intercourse - and I am thinking, jesus fucking christ - why me? Why fucking me? What on earth could I have done to deserve this conversation? (I am guessing that it could be a law of averages thing, like - speaking statistically - fuck enough guys and you are sure to hit a crazy once in a while. Although, I believe the history of this blog is clear that I have taken my fair share of loonie cock.)

I tried desperately to be gracious and here is why - I am pretty sure that until they met us they had only fucked each other, so perhaps 'normal' is relative. Also, I think we may be having some kind of cross-cultural phallocentrism issue - I could totally write a university paper about it, but I don't particularly want to be on the phone on my couch at 10pm unpacking cultural baggage with this dude.

I said my piece and got off the phone with him and onto bbm with the Duchess...we have decided that we are going to put together a "page a day" calendar for those new to sluthood. The first two entries: "just cause he goes down on you doesn't mean he doesn't like you" and "dude, it's not all about your cock."

And that, dirty darlings, is the end of the Newbies.

The Newbies: Bailing?

Mr Newbie bbm-ed me the other day: "I want to give you perfect pleasure."

Perfect pleasure? Doesn't that sound utterly exhausting? Like hold the side of your face, look deep into your eyes, connect on an emotional level that does not exist between the two while fucking you badly exhausting?

The Husband and I are supposed to go on our first playdate with them tomorrow night and we both feel kinda "eh" about it - we have been tossing around the idea of bailing. The rub is that I feel like we can't back out now because now we are in the odd position, given our own relative newness, of being their expert guides. Not only do I not want to hurt their feelings by breaking the date, but I feel obliged to show them the ropes - although, as I wrote before, they are freaking me the fuck out.

I don't want to run away from them now and give them a bad first experience of having been led on, but I have real concerns about managing expectations. I want to hang out and enjoy their company, but I am worried that they want to be bffs. To be clear, it is not that I am unwilling to forge a connection with them - I am happy to play, happy to expand their lifestyle experience and be friends - it is just that I feel like they may be really into us in a way that we do not reciprocate. They are talking all night in hotel rooms, vacationing together, picnics with the families, going on a lifestyle trip somewhere. I am not sure whether this is a willingness to jump into the lifestyle and viewing us as their opportunity to do so or whether it is a willingness to jump into us. Either way, I am not clear I am ready to be jumped.

As I said to the Husband today: um, whose team are we taking this one for?

Despite all the indications to the contrary we have forged ahead. It seems unkind to ditch otherwise lovely people because of a level of enthusiasm and honestly that overwhelms me. I am, after all, a girl that is known for being overly blunt. I am going to assume that their over excitement speaks of their newness and not an awkward insanity. On that basis, instead of their plan for a lengthy sleepover in a hotel we have taken the lesson the Boyfriend taught me prior to the first threeway with the Husband: take it to the club. That way if things go south (and, ahem, not in a good way) there is some privacy to seek and some potential for escape.

I was bbm-ing with the Boyfriend today and telling him that I just wasn't sure whether to give it up - his point: test drive it - you might like what is under the hood. Or, as I said, maybe I will like what he does under mine?

The Boyfriend, who is always ideal for providing slut reinforcement got back to me quickly: there's a winning attitude, way to pick up the glove and get in the game

And what he tells me is right, you know: you can't win if you don't play.

Wish me luck, dirty darlings, wish me luck...

The Newbies, Part 1: Um, Dude, No...

Newbies: I just don't know what to do with them.  

I know this might be a bit of an eye-roller for some of you more experienced lifestyle folks.

In fact, I would guess that hubby and I are still new enough that it might be a deal breaker for some people.

But there are newbies and then there are newbies.  And these ones are the latter.  

We met this couple that we quite like: they are charming and interesting and attractive...and they are brand spanking new.  

What is giving me the most pause is not their newness to the lifestyle, but their newness to promiscuity and fucking around in general: I am increasingly realizing that they are fresh-faced monogamous almost-virgins. 

I don't have an innocence fetish.  If it possible to have an un-fetish, that is how I feel about 

innocence.

Mr Newbie is charming the pants right onto me.  And let me tell you, this is no easy feat.

Have you ever sat with someone and had them talk their way out of your bed with every word out of their mouth?  

This is what he did to me the other night and it was striking.

Did I tell you I have never been with anyone but my wife?

(Oh, Dude, no.)

I would love to get to a point where we don't use condoms

(Dude, noooo.)

Getting to know you I feel like I am on the verge of getting married again.

(Oh, duuuuudddde, no.)

I don't just want to have sex with you - I want to make love to you.  

(Dude, we just met - you should want to give it to me hard.)

Can I tell you I love you when we are together?

(No, dude, just no. No. No. No.)

I mentioned this to the hot blonde's hot husband, his response: "Sounds like drama. Run!"  

I can't help but think he is right. 

Interview with a Girlfriend.

I was nervous walking up to that coffee shop: What would she look like? Would she like me? Would I hate her? Would I freak the fuck out and prove myself a total hypocrite?

Is it wrong that I hoped that I was just a little prettier than her?

I got there first and waited, lifting up my head like a dog lifts their ears every time a woman on her own walked in. She opened the door confidently and walked in, head up and eyes scanning for 'the wife'.

She is nothing like me in looks: she is dark to my light, calmly elegant to my brassy, she has a tiny perfect body in contrast to my more curvy physique. She has that air of elegance and put togetherness that I can never quite master. She is one of those women that exudes class - we could wear the exact same slightly saucy outfit and she would look like Jackie O while I looked like an escort.

She is also nothing like me in demeanour: she is disciplined to my loud mouthed enthusiasm. You can watch her choose every word, while I just use them all. (Want to know what I am thinking now? How 'bout now?)

There are ways in which we are similar though - we have similar jobs, we are both direct and blunt, neither of us sought to avoid the hard questions or discussions:

Are you really ok with this? (Um, yes, borrow that husband.)

Does it bother you that I am single? (Nope, have at him.)

What about stds, condoms? (No and yes, please.)

Does the boyfriend's wife know about you? (Is that a bird flying by? Ok, avoided that one.)

How does hubby feel about the boyfriend? (Better now that we have group sex.)

I like her. Lots. Like, letting her borrow the husband without hesitation and wanting to hang out with the two of them lots.

Although I like the Girlfriend as an individual I also adore her as a concept: the Girlfriend gives me so much rope it isn't even funny. The Husband is breaking every rule he ever made: she is single, we all know people in common, she knows the Husband through work. If I were proposing to do the same he would be having fucking kittens. This is unquestioningly to my advantage - not because it means tit for tat (I had not even considered that, of course), but because it means he is getting a first hand demonstration of how not scary this is, how this can work, how it is safe, not a threat, not a crisis and not a problem. His relationship with the Girlfriend makes my relationship with the Boyfriend - and future potential relationships - less scary.

As I said, the woman of my dreams...